8-16-2023 🕊️
Dear Mama,
It’s been almost 8 months since cancer ripped you away from me.
At first, I was in shock; paralyzed with grief. It was impossible to do anything, but now, I see your foresight.
You knew John was right for me the moment you met him, and you knew he would catch me when I tumbled backward into a deep, dark despair.
Despite the fragilities of my own life, I didn’t know losing you would make living mine so undeniably hard. Impossible, even.
For months, John helped me out of bed, held me while I sobbed and gently nudged me toward life (which I had withdrawn from.)
While slowly going through the motions, everyone else seemed to be going fast forward.
Friends who I thought cared, stayed silent. Co-workers looked the other way and even worse, our family dynamics started changing.
You had always been the glue and now, you were gone. Still, I tried finding my footing.
Therapy, grief books & podcasts; I listened to different people, different experiences — all from those who had joined ^The Dead Moms Club^ before me.
I wept on your birthday and sobbed through the holidays. I cried in the shower, my closet, my car, in my office and when I was desperate, I listened to your old voicemails. Then…
Minutes turned to hours and hours turned to days and finally, months. 8 whole months. Without. You. It just doesn’t seem real.
And, I guess, partially it isn’t.
Your beautiful paintings and furniture fill my home. I treasure & wear your unique jewelry. SusieQ & Ming are so happy and fill us with such joy.
It’s funny, I always thought we were so different, but after you died, I’ve realized how much we’re alike.
In these pictures, I look so much like you: wearing your prized Navajo Concho Belts, your Bear Claw necklace for protection and a Dream Catcher; representing the circle of life.
Originally, this was a series dedicated to the spirit & artistry of Stevie Nicks, but now, it’s for you, Mama.
“Oh, mirror in the sky/What is love?/Can the child within my heart rise above?/Can I sail through the changing’ ocean tides?/Can I handle the seasons of my life?”
Xo Baby Duck #grief
