I know, I know, it’s been awhile. My last blog entry was right before the world came to a grinding halt because of Covid-19. I couldn’t rationalize the importance of fashion trends and foodie hotspots when there was so much pain, suffering and death.
Like most people, the pandemic really took hold of me. Not only was I worried about my own health (as I have a neurological autoimmune disease,) I was fearful for my family, friends, co-workers and community. So, I left the blogosphere to concentrate on keeping myself safe among other things…
Like the break-up of my six year relationship that ended on a Friday night after a long week at work. My boyfriend, who had been acting strange for months, was sitting on our pretty blue and white sofa when he told me he wasn’t happy. In fact, he said: “I don’t even think I like you as a person anymore.”
The abrupt end of our love affair also meant losing my dog, Rigby. My soon-to-be ex and I decided he would take primary custody of our pup because his job was more flexible. Most animals need love and attention, but Rigby needed even more because of the trauma he experienced before we adopted him. The decision broke my heart into a million little pieces. From now on, if I wanted to see Riggs, I had to endure a toxic situation. How does one even begin to choose? The entire thing made me angry and incredibly resentful.
While trying to make sense of it all, I packed my belongings and moved to a new apartment across Miami. In the meantime, Covid was spreading throughout South Florida like an uncontrollable wildfire. The day I moved, I vomited several times out of sheer panic. I was so afraid I would get The ‘Rona, it was all I could do not to collapse. I had already contracted a virus a decade earlier that triggered my bout with Guillain-Barre’ Syndrome. It eventually turned into Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy. It was a devastating blow to an otherwise fun-loving life. I was never the same again and could only imagine the damaging affects Covid would have on me.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my mother was diagnosed with two types of breast cancer. When I got the news, I wept. Alone. No boyfriend, no dog and no way to safely see the people who were my usual support system. Out of what I assume was desperation, I rekindled an old friendship that had previously gone bad. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but the person, who accused me of abandoning them during their time of need, was hellbent on exacting revenge.
When I started confiding and depending on them, I was abruptly ghosted and blocked. Afterward, the person sent me an email insinuating THAT had been the plan all along. They wanted me to know how it felt to be left in my time of need. With friends like that who needs enemies? #NotMe #SingleWhiteFemale
Listen, I know things could be worse. I’m one of the lucky ones. I haven’t lost anyone to Covid and get this, despite having CIDP, I was able to get vaccinated. Because of my compromised immune system, my second dose was pretty brutal. I spent almost a week in bed, part of it in excruciating pain. I’d do it all over again, though, for my mom. She’s suffering through chemo and I haven’t been able to see her or anyone in my family in over a year.
Sure, I’ve been lonely and cried a lot. I’ve even suffered setbacks with my health. Stress will do that to a person, but I’m still standing. Resiliency is a beautiful part of the human condition and is usually, hard won. It’s a lesson the majority of us have learned in one way or the other over the past 14 months. The funny thing is…
As a writer, I’ve always thought I’d have a lot to say during something so devastating like a pandemic, but I didn’t. I haven’t. I’ve thought about it a lot: writing; getting it all out. Letting my words float up into that big, obtuse on-line cloud of over-sharing our society seems to be obsessed with, but strangely, I was at a loss.
It just didn’t seem important anymore. Moreover, I questioned myself as a writer. After my break-up, the pandemic, my mom’s cancer and going at it alone, I’ve questioned almost everything about myself. Feeling not good enough and pathetically vulnerable is something I’m working on. For now, I just wanted to say “Hello, I hope you’re okay,” because sometimes just being okay is good enough. #ShireensFavoriteThings
Trying to get my writing mojo back.
The blog will be sporadic for awhile until I see how South Florida responds to being fully opened. #BeSmart #StaySafe #GetVaccinated
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